Recent Order Delays
Friends, I must offer my humblest and sincerest apologies for a production issue that has impacted many recent mail, telephone and facsimile 'naise orders. I understand that many of you are still waiting to receive 'naise products ordered with the intention of spreading the love to friends and family by giving the gift of my quick, thick and vegan 'naise over the holidays (as Linda and I like to say, "Happy Holi'naise!" NOT HOLLANDAISE).
My relatively new 'naise foreman, Darryl, has one simple yet important task to perform on each batch of my delicious first-run 'naise - follow quality assurance protocols on a sample from the batch to ensure that it has the correct SMV (Signature Manilowe Viscosity). I believe that this is what truly separates my 'naise from that of my competitors, including Big Mayo brands.
Rather than adhere to the time-honored Manilowe method of ensuring correct viscosity by taking a heaped teaspoon of my 'naise directly into the mouth and requiring no less than 3, and no more than 5 seconds, to swallow the sample without choking or gagging, Darryl took it upon himself to introduce a new and more "scientific" method involving chemical analsyis and mathematics beyond my comprehension.
The Manilowes have never and will never practice 'naise-by-numbers. I follow my heart and my gut for every batch produced in this facility. When a batch makes my tummy hurt, I simply add more citric acids to neutralize the harmful bacteria, and I do this until the nausea passes. When the batch is complete, I take a large spoonful into my mouth to ensure that is both a challenge and a delight to ingest.
I simply cannot risk dispatching 'naise to my loyal followers that has not explicitly passed the stringent quality tests established and honored by generations of Manilowe Mayonnaiseurs. These orders will need to be backfilled from new batches that I am personally overseeing and sampling. For the conservation-minded, the batches on which Darryl has failed us will not go to waste (Darryl will be admonished nonetheless). Instead they will be used in the manufacturing of Linda's new line of 'Naise Candles which will be shipped with our backorders as small token of our appreciation for your patronage. While you're not enjoying my premium artisanal 'naise in your meals (or straight out of the jar!) allow the aroma of my dedication and hard work to waft through your home.
